


together apart they come

by zonophone



Series: naki's death au [2]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 15:46:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13593294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zonophone/pseuds/zonophone
Summary: Shuu teaches himself how to cope with death.





	together apart they come

naki had been gone long before he arrived there. this helped him avoid torturing himself with what ifs and if onlys. things would’ve been the same. there was little time for proper mourning, such is the case in war, and he focused his efforts on the rescue of their king, whom naki had also sworn his loyalty too. it’s what he would’ve wanted. naki honestly believed kaneki cared for ghoulkind, which was endearing. he never had a heart to tell him.

he’d learned things in the time kaneki was sasaki, unintentionally perhaps. he’d never been a forgiving person and had no qualms dealing with the deaths of others, unlike kaneki, but he’d learned to offer things that had never been in his possession, too.

he’d learned to share happiness, to wish for it on someone else without the expectation of return.

when he’d first formed a united front with naki, out of convenience for the both of them, he hadn’t expected more than to use him as a shield in his attempts to preserve his own life and kaneki’s. naki had surprised him, though, his words struck a chord within him he rarely acknowledged, one that rarely had been reached by others. the seed may have been planted then and there. he’d learned, not because of kaneki but perhaps in spite of him, that love beckoned to wish for the other person’s happiness. he didn’t love ghoulkind or humankind though he was interested and fascinated by them, and he didn’t particularly wish for their happiness, but kaneki’s.

and naki’s.

love, he could use that word now, he had nothing to lose: one was dead and the other had chosen the other woman and eaten so many deaths he’d lost his shape.

he’d found it a challenge, at first, to think of the word or even speak it. hori had been there to give him a push in that direction when he’d despaired over the loss of kaneki all those years ago: he wouldn’t have despaired over the loss of mere food. maybe it was that, the fact that he didn’t know what the feeling was, that had made it all the more difficult to deal with. when he’d found sasaki in the end he’d ultimately decided not to force his hand, not to reveal their own secret bond, because he understood. he wished for sasaki’s happiness in spite of himself.

when naki had told him he liked him—he’d used the word love and shuu had purposefully pretended naki could not have known what it meant, that he’d botched a word again, that his command of language was still precarious—he’d dismissed it, he’d said i have to go. even when naki told him he wished shuu happiness he’d laughed it off.

no one had been there to give him a push and he’d dealt with those feelings, underground as goat, on his own, thought deeply on them and never once moved to action. he’d come to understand them now that it was too late.

still he tested the waters time and again—  
you’re always around me, non? you must really like me, monsieur.  
course, i love you, yamada.  
—with the sole intention of balking, waving his hand in the air as if to say nothing has happened here, and experience that mix of shock and warmth and disbelief he used to feel as a child when his papa told him his mother was always with him, loved him immensely.

there was no time for proper mourning because if he cried he would be selfish, crying over the fact that he’d lost naki, that he’d never fully understood what the feeling was, had pushed it out of his mind and his heart and all his organs, crying over what might have been—what might have been not if naki had survived but if he’d realized this earlier.

he sat at his desk writing down names for kaneki’s child—what a joke, what a joke, how pathetic—and wrote down so hard, crossed his own words (‘joke’, ‘pathetic’, ‘i miss you, i hope you’re okay, i hope this letter reaches you in heaven’) out so hard the page would tear and he’d have to start again, burying his feelings underneath the crossed out words and he couldn’t allow himself to cry—really cry and mourn and feel the trembling, tearing pain of loss and grief scratch its nails against the surface of all his organs, perpetually drawing blood—because he hadn’t allowed himself the feeling while naki was still alive.

and because naki would still be wishing for his happiness.

**Author's Note:**

> still upset over the lack of shuu (& other ppl) mournin naki !!!!!!! no mention !!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyway ig this is the conclusion of the nakishuu series unless i write an au or idk some non canon compliant past thing.
> 
> also this http://raaawrbin.tumblr.com/post/132813894992/tsukiyama-who-tries-to-find-some-affirmation-of is what got me into nakishuu years ago thank u


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